Back in 2011, between Gears of War sequels, Epic Games pulled a "Crackdown" on us. In collaboration with People Can Fly, they released Bulletstorm - a free game that came with a $60 invite to the Gears of War 3 multiplayer beta. Now I'm probably about to lose all my credit as a gamer and blogger when I say that I actually liked the Gears of War franchise. Chest-high-wall shooters were still relatively new and, lets face it, YOU HAD A FUCKING CHAINSAW ON YOUR GUN. So needless to say I didn't actually play a whole lot of Bulletstorm, just enough to know that Steve Blum voiced the main character and that was it.
However, the problem I have with the Spring season isn't the warm weather or the sunshine (though I'm none too fond of those either). The problem I have is that this is gaming's slow season and I need to find ways to keep myself occupied until the next big shitstorm of triple-A games hits the fan. So, with a vague memory and a song in my heart, I decided to revisit Bulletstorm.
Bulletstorm casts you into the role of Grayson Hunt, the very caricature of badass. Former-hit-squad-member-turned-alcoholic-space-pirate, Grayson's got more than just a chip on his shoulder, he's got a fucking brick house. You don't get a lot of history before crash-landing on some rusted-out overgrown tropical island resort, but that's a good thing because roughly 10 minutes into the game, story doesn't mean shit.
Bulletstorm is one hell of a linear shooter. The game grabs you by the shoulders, points you in a direction and says "go kill shit over there". It's pretty standard fare. In fact, I remember reading a post somewhere on the internet stating that the gaming market is so saturated with aim-down-the-sights shooters that even the shitty ones have solid mechanics. And they were right. Bulletstorm is FUCKING TERRIBLE. The story is practically non-existent, the whole game is point A to point B run-and-gun, the weapons lack inspiration, and don't even get me started on the dialogue. OH the dialogue. The one-dimensional characters use the word fuck like it's a comma, just about every "skillshot" is some tongue-in-cheek dick joke, and every cutscene is dedicated to our crew wanting, but trying very hard not to kill each other.
Anyways, the planet is populated by ferocious fucks bent on slaughtering anything that moves, be it from range, or with dual-axes to your face. So as you wander from decimated building to decimated building, you'll frequently encounter these reaper-esque bastards and have to paint the walls with their brains. One of the ways Bulletstorm tries to separate itself from the sci-fi shitter genre is by awarding you points for each kill, depending on how creative you get. These are called "skillshots" and as previously mentioned, most of them are dick jokes or other innuendos. Everything from the obvious "shove off a cliff" to the rather humorous "flare-gun-up-the-ass", gives you skill points. These points can then be spent at designated resupply points to purchase ammo and swap weapons. This is more or less useless, because you can go the whole game with just the assault rifle and collect ammo drops from nearly every baddie you kill. It is, however, really fun to watch them tuck and curl after you install a hot lead catheter. Oh, and then curbstomp them.
Over the course of the game you get outfitted with your fairly standard arsenal: assault rifle, sniper rifle, pistol, grenade launcher and shotgun. Woo fucking hoo. Bulletstorm tried to be different by giving you a "charge shot" for your weapons, which you had to purchase to unlock, and then purchase charges for. Fancy way of saying alt-fire. The dev's did manage, however, to produce a couple of nifty handheld carnage makers that weren't par for the course. I'm talking about the Flailgun and the Penetrator (teenage giggles go here). The Flailgun works like a sticky-nade launcher, but what's awesome is the Penetrator. Keep in mind, that this game was co-developed by People Can Fly, the very same people that brought you Painkiller and it's wondrous stake-launcher. The Penetrator fires FUCKING DRILL ROCKETS that pierce enemies and drag their carcass to the nearest wall. If you had fun with Painkiller's stake-launcher and Half-Life 2's crossbow, you'll have a fucking ball with this thing. The biggest bitch being that you only get the gun about an hour away from the game's ending. What kinda shit is that?
You also get outfitted with a grappling beam, which is used mostly for interacting with the environment, and less for dragging enemies towards you, since you'll probably forget its existence between required uses. However, the highlight of the game for me was the "return" of Duke's Mighty Boot. While neither Epic Games, nor People Can Fly have any ties to 3DRealms' notoriously awesome 90's FPS - Duke Nukem 3D - they have revived the time-honored tradition of melee attacks that involve taking a size 13, shining it up real nice, and sticking it straight into someone's teeth. Not only does your "Gravity Boot" send enemies flying into pointy and painful things (rebar, cacti, carnivorous plants), it also launches them in slo-mo so that, if inclined, one could empty a clip or two into the son of a bitch before he fries on those open wires. This is Bulletstorm's single most redeeming quality. Well, this and General Sarrano's first actual line: "Lick the tears off my dick, mudfuckers!"
All things considered, Bulletstorm is shit. It's a bad shooter with bad characters and a bad story. But at the end of the day, it was FUN. Kicking random faceless psychopaths into powerlines and skewering them with drill rockets was a good time for the whole family. It's vulgar sense of humor and ultra-violent, ultra-bloody executions, topped with it's foul-mouthed cast really reminded me of the days of Duke. When he was cool.
Duke Nukem Forever might have been the game we needed. Because after 14 years in development hell, we needed to know that it could be done. It could be finished. But in this reviewer's opinion, Bulletstorm was the Duke Nukem we deserved.
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